The Gift Leaders Refuse to Give

I love my independence, don’t you?
(It’s what makes me so joyfully unemployable!)

I still feel that April birthday, when I said “Farewell” to my financial planning team…
And strode out of that City door for the final time.

I could hardly breathe, I was so excited.
And scared.

I was going to coach.
To lift lives.
To help others see, think and act differently.

I was going to contribute.
I mean… really contribute.
And so I did.

For a decade or more.

Until one day… someone asked me a question I couldn’t answer.

One of my clients said, “David. What can I now do for you?”
And I sat there… staring at him. My mouth flapping fishlike… and empty.

Um. It wasn’t supposed to work that way, was it?

I felt totally exposed.
Wondering what had just happened to my significance.
My ability to help and lift and generously nurture.

My inflated need to be the one doing the helping…
Was pierced in a single sentence.
leaving me feeling naked.

I wonder if I’m alone in this?

You know.

Relishing the endorphin rush of feeling strong.
Significant.
Praised.
Pedestalled.

Because, if you’re even mildly like me…

We don’t want to feel that we need help.
And we certainly don’t want others to hear us say that.

Who wants to look that vulnerable?
Particularly we men, amongst our peers.

Especially if our business metrics show that we’re pretty darned good at what we do.

So, suggesting to others that we need help.
Well, that feels like weakness. Yes?

And there. Right there. Is the tragedy.

That stance is generated by a narrative in our head.
A story that says we’re in some way superior.
And that you… you out there… don’t possess the wherewithal to help somebody as effective in business as me.

And so, my determination to lift everyone else…
Robs others of the joy of lifting me.

What we believe is generosity…
might be only a touch more than pride.

What we believe is strength…
may actually be a desperate desire to feel indispensable.

And what we believe is independence…
may actually be our refusal to allow anyone else to feel needed.

Gradually, I’ve learned the refreshing experience of reversing the roles.
By putting my hungry ego aside.

Recently, I couldn’t wait to turn to a client who’d suggested that he had some feedback that I might find useful,
“Jon,” I started…” I’d love to hear your thoughts on this frustrating situation I’m facing?”

Swallowing my pride. Just for a moment.

It felt so good.
It felt generous.
It felt exciting.

Jon’s feedback fundamentally changed the way I approach business in 2026.
And has brought new people into my life that I would never have met.

He suggested that I might stop spreading myself thin.
Stop trying to scale my business, in order to emulate other coaches and consultants.

And, instead, return to the soul-deep coaching that had changed his life at work.

Well, I could hardly catch my breath, when I thought about what I was about to do differently.

I see now that what I thought was my greatest strength…
had also become one of my greatest weaknesses.

I have been so full of my independent thinking.
So enamoured with my ability to have the answers for myself.
So keen to elevate others.
So desperate not to feel too vulnerable…

The question now isn’t…
“Who can I help today?”

I think it’s…

“Who have I denied the joy of helping me?”

And perhaps…
they’re still waiting to be asked.